3rd of July

18 years ago today I almost died. It's my fault really, I was running with the wrong crowd. Namely, Elizabeth "hardcore headbanger" Downie.

I wasn't the most responsible child in my pre-teen years. I was known to shirk my chores, "forget" to do my homework, and leave my curling iron on for days at a time. Nevertheless, my mom let me have a sleepover the night before my favorite holiday, the Fourth of July. I invited Elizabeth and my mother grudgingly agreed. She knew better than me the kind of character EHHD was.

After a few hours of fun (crank calling, Elizabeth wrestling Travis while I taunted him with "my friend's stronger than yoooou are," and watching UHF and Dream Team) we went up to my room to get settled for the night. My bed was notoriously uncomfortable, so I offered to let Elizabeth sleep on the plush carpet. After catering to her every whim I finally told her I had given everything I had to give and dropped into bed out of pure exhaustion.

Well, apparently Miss Elizabeth had one more demand. She yanked my pillow right out from under my head. I grabbed it and said, "Elizabeth, give it back right now!" This show of independence incensed her and she wouldn't let her iron grip go. We struggled back and forth for a few moments. When she realized I was not going to let her win this battle like I had so many others, she grabbed the curling iron off my dresser and with fire in her eyes howled, "BURN BABY, BURN!!!"

Then, she plunged the curling iron down to my neck and rolled it up and down, up and down, all the while banging her head, swinging those red and blond locks (at the time she was dying streaks of her hair with Cherry Kool-Aid) and murmuring, "welcome to the jungle" along with Axel rose in her head.

By the time she finally got a hold of herself, my neck was covered with 3rd degree burns. Luckily my brother Ryan ins and eagle scout. After rolling his eyes and sighing when he saw what happened, he advised my mom to take us to the emergency room. While I waited for the doctor, Elizabeth flirted with a boy with knife wounds and my mother just shook her head.

Sadly, the Doctor told me I would not be allowed to go swimming to celebrate our nation's independence. Instead, I spent the fourth watching Elizabeth swim with my loved ones at Silver Lake.

Elizabeth eventually grew out of her crazy phase, (though she's still controlling and vindictive ) and we think it best to retell the story every year (and sometime I tell it to people she is starting to befriend or date, just so they know) so that others can learn from our mistakes.

You can see her do her penance here.